Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Dog Farts
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
The Eukanuba Diet
I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at my vet and
standing in a queue at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog.
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care
unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do
is load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that by now, practically everyone in the queue was
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition
because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow... why else would I buy dog food?
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