Time to laugh again!

I’ve been off my game this week, feeling down in the dumps with a nasty exotic bug, but hey! … School’s out tomorrow and I thought it was time I kicked my butt out of my slump with some laughter!

 

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?
'The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'    
       
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking.!!’

Me thinks this has a moral: Don’t piss the wife off! Or else…

The hubby in question may be wanting to buy this product…



Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.
·        The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
·        The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a breeze.'
·        The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
·        And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN...Couldn't walk for a year.

Late for work?

 

This one is for my friends – you know who you are…



Have a super weekend everyone!

Tribute to my Gran on her birthday

 

Grandparents to me are super beings, people who will always outshine everyone else. I mean it… I didn’t have two sets of them, I only had two, but they sure had double the amount of special and that had me never wanting another pair to complete “me”.
Round about this time last year I wrote a note for each of my grandparents on my facebook page as a tribute to them.
This year I’ve decided to do something a little different.
I’m a sucker for family history, little anecdotes, little bits and pieces that make up my ancestry.So when I spent holidays at my grandparents home as I grew up they would tell the most amazing stories.
I will never forget sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea or sitting on the veranda staring up at the stars and listening to my grandparents’ stories.
I wish that I had recorded these moments so my children could hear the stories as just as they were told to me.
I laughed hysterically when I heard about Gran’s account of the snake in the outhouse. I could imagine a “Charlie Chaplin” or “Marx Brothers” movie reel of my Gran’s brother running out of the outhouse with his pants around his ankles.
I always knew my Gran loved apples. On one of these “story” evenings I heard how she and her friend had filled the front of their dresses with so many apples that they almost couldn’t make their getaway.
When I felt sad I think of the one where my Gran was cheered up by her father, he’d tell her that the “prr-prr” would be visiting soon. (meaning my Gramps arriving on his motorbike)

I’ll never forget her telling me that on the day I was born there was one blossom on the peach tree. She said this must have been my tree because it was the same tree my mom fell out of when she was born. Little quotes like these make me smile at her memory. They keep her alive for me and in me.
Today I will most probably find one bloom on my frangipani or bougainvillea, and that will be my sign that she’s still looking in from time to time. It’s a perfect bloom sent from heaven on her special day.
I wish I could write better so I could illustrate these stories in colour like she would.
There are so many little bits and pieces that I can treasure. Moments spent together, walking to the shops or when she’d fetch me at primary school in the afternoon. Mornings of shopping trips, and holidays together. We’d always have something to chat about, she always had some good advice, or a special way of making you feel better. She was talented in so many ways, she could sew, knit, crochet, cook and bake and I am pleased that she passed some of her knowledge over to me.
Without her I would never have been the person I am today.
I said it at her memorial and I believe it more today. The Lord gained a beautiful angel. I was fortunate to experience the angel in my Gran when she was alive. I still feel her presence every day in her angel form, now with the wings that were invisible while she was alive.

Quiet Contemplation

I woke up today with an intense feeling of disappointment and negativity towards humans in general.
Then while reading my live feed I came across this post on one of the pages I “liked” to add some inspiration to my day.

10 nuggets of wisdom to live by:

1) Be kind to yourself
2) Looking good is feeling good inside
3) You weren’t put on this planet to please everybody
4) Expect little but do your best and dream BIG
5) Smiling is healthy
6) Laugh your heart out
7) Live light and right and keep it simple
8) Failure is a good starting point
9) You are blessed and don't forget to say thanks

This really got me thinking.

“1) Be kind to yourself.” - Am I really kind to myself?
As some of you know last year was a pure example of my personal hell. I sat in a meeting with a rude teacher who left me beating myself up over problems that, in the end were easily dealt with. I was told “just love your child” - hmm  - there isn’t an inch of me that doesn't love my children. Looking back I wish that I had spoken up and said “Hey! I want the best for my daughter! Now stop being so damned rude and lets fix the problem!”
I had to endure a ballet teacher who had decided it was her life’s mission to make my experience of witnessing my daughter’s talent a living hell. This added to my “beat myself up” sessions.

“2) Looking good is feeling good inside”: – Not really hey! There are two sides to this one. You never really know what happens in another person’s home – just like you really never know what's going on in their minds… Although putting on some make up and wearing a pretty dress, shoes and jewellery can temporarily boost your confidence.

I had “the shock of my life” when my husband had is accident but I donned my strong exterior and helped him. I shed some tears while no one was looking, chased away nightmares of what I witnessed, told myself that this was not the time for weakness, washed my face and once again wore “I’m fine” face.
Recovery is a long process though; it’s not only healing bones, cuts, scrapes and scratches. There are scars deeper than the naked eye can see. It affects every aspect of your family life.
This made me realise that the line “you have no idea what it’s like until you’ve been there” is more realistic than people know.

5) Smiling is healthy – If I hadn’t worn a smile I would never have made it through these tough times.

Last year I may have worn a smile, I may have appeared strong, but inside I was crumbling.
Since the accident my son’s increasing problems with bullies resurfaced and increased until now. We made the decision to send my boy to the school psychologist who agreed to help with coping mechanisms and to come to a conclusion as to why, my son had been seeking attention with negative behaviour. He wanted a meeting with me to get more information so that he could deal with the issue appropriately.
I toddled off to the meeting yesterday after having a bad night of running through scenarios of what this guy might say. I beat myself up again, blamed myself, I had basically told myself that I was a terrible mother and person and  the torture on myself continued.
Yes – you guessed it I’m my own worst enemy and critic at times.

4) Expect little but do your best and dream BIG: If you expect little – you may be pleasantly surprised. (I still find myself expecting people to do for me what I have done for them… and find myself horribly disappointed.)

The meeting ended up being really positive. Although we have some issues to work on, this guy – this psychologist guy, actually made me feel better. He was nothing like the rude and nasty teacher from last year who made me question my ability as a mother. He actually gave me a much needed ego boost, while giving me tips on helping my son at home. (Now that's how it should be!) We came to one conclusion that my husband’s pain and recovery has caused my son to question his worth. He is wondering why his dad can’t do the things he used to, and is lashing out because of it. At least now I understand, and we can make things better again one step at a time.
I walked out feeling like I had done my best and now I had a couple of new tools to make my skills even better.

3) You weren’t put on this planet to please everybody – this is something I really need to work on.

Now it comes down to the nitty gritty of my conclusion. Yes – I can’t please everybody, some people just can’t be pleased and others just don't understand.

7) Live light and right and keep it simple

I have decided that I want to concentrate on what's important. If I don't feel like leaving the house on the weekend, I won’t, because I need rest too and just because I can! If someone doesn't understand why I’m making my life simpler, it’s because they – just don't understand – and not because I must try harder. I am doing my best – and that is all that matters.

6) Laugh your heart out: My children are my best source of laughter.

I want to use the line that's stood out to me from the meeting yesterday. I just want to enjoy my children.

8) Failure is a good starting point: I’ve failed myself in the past. I’ve beat myself up, I’ve put my life on hold, I’ve given too much to people undeserving of my time.

9) You are blessed and don't forget to say thanks. Yes I am blessed; I have a heck of a lot to be thankful for. I have created the two most perfect beings on the planet (all moms know this about their kids).

If anything I hope that you will be more sympathetic to others, not mock them for their misgivings, and realise that your life may be easier. Even if your life is hard there is always someone who is worse off than you.
Thank you to my few supporters and confidants who have made these mountains easier to climb. You were a part of the reason why I am not the mess the school psychologist said I should have been. Yip he was surprised that I’m still sane having dealt with all of this and more.

Brilliant Email!

If anyone knows who wrote this I would love to know!
Love the South African English / Afrikaans.
Laughed hysterically!
Enjoy xx
“I am a father.  So, sometimes i need to do stuff that fathers do.  In the old days, it was marbles and tolle and ketties.  Things have changed.
So, two weeks ago, the fucking bright sparks over the road here, whispered the words "GOLD REEF CITY" into my laaities ears, and what can you do?  You go to GRC.
Ok, so i checked the website... nananana, looks like piss, hier en daar n fokken ride or two, and i wanted to go down the mine.  So ek trek my plakkies aan, kam my hare, and off we go.
We got there early.  Ek kap manhaftig twee worsbroodjies weg, en n halfliter melk, and followed my son to the first ride... called Runaway Train.
We get on, and i thought these things were for kids and stuff, and off it went.  I did not like it.  It was going sideways and shit, and i was queasy when i got off.
What bothered me though was the sound coming from behind me somewhere.  Dit klink soos n fokken boeing wat land.  And then i saw it.  Big signwriting... ANAFOKKENCONDA.
I had to keep face, i wear the pants in this family.  Ek maak my arms bak, en ek loop fier en regop teen die dekplank op.  Ek gaan die donner ry, what can go wrong?
There was a queue and the fuck up with that is, you can see what the thing does to people.
When it came in the second time, and a young student dude, met spiere waar ek voue het, got out, and kots oor die reling, toe weet ek, my kak is geboek vir my.
Then it was our turn.  Jono chickened out, BUT my wife was checking me out.  This is where you have to be nonchalant, and manly.  I kept my chin up, en my hol toegeknyp.
You get into this thing, and you hang.  The safety bar didn’t want to go over my hoenderborsie, so i pulled a Ville Valo, and made myself thin, and hooked a clip too close.... i think.
KLANG KLANG KLANG KLANG.... en kom ons fok nie rond nie.... skielik is ek so bang dat ek n bliksemse nieraanval kry..... dan draai die etterse ding en dan......P@$S HY NA BENEDE....MET DIE SPOED VAN DIE HEILIGE FOKKEN WIT ELAND.
I shit you not, forget any car, bike, plane or whatever the fuck you measure your manliness by.... it accelerated like nothing i have ever felt.  But if this wasn’t enough, gaan donner die ding onderstebo met jou.  I feel the worsrolletjie.  No wait, i feel the texture of the worsrolletjie, every fucking fibre of the worsrolletjie.
Kerels, we came out that first loop met die spoed van fokken wit lig.  I wanted it to stop.  I havent prayed in 22 years....i did then. We levelled out,and then it hit the second loop.
Shorter radius than the first. Ons fok daardeur,en ek verloor my plakkie.  Onderstebo, and then around 2 flat corners wa ek 10 jaar ouer word, and then.... the fucking thing corkscrewed.
Klits daai fokken broodjie en die melk laat dit lyk soos daai kak wat jy oor bobotie gooi, and another, en fok dit, toe skree ek soos n Namibiese vlakte vlermuis wat se sonar gekak het.
And into the station at 200kmh, and just for shits and giggles, they stop it in 10m flat.
I just sat there.  Stunned,and my wife is oooh and aaaahing, en lets-go-againing....sy moet haar jags hou.
It fucked my whole day up. “

Doggy Style…

Beware of the Dog


Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


            


Dog Farts

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"


 


The Eukanuba Diet

I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at my vet and
standing in a queue at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog.
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care
unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do
is load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that by now, practically everyone in the queue was
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition
because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow... why else would I buy dog food?


 

The Work Week

Thought I’d keep them coming… Thanx Poppet for your Friday grin… I miss you!

Monday: Mad as Hell




Tuesday: Slowly coming out of it




Wednesday: but not quite there, so watch it!




Thursday: The end of the work week is in sight




Friday: TGIF




Saturday: Love my Saturday!




Sunday: Oh-oh!

Here we go again!

Laughter

So… if laughter is contagious…

and it’s also the best medicine…







I hope this gets you going…





and if you cant laugh…



Smile…

Ghost Stories

I decided to type some of my “true life” ghost stories…

Since a little girl I would always hear about my mom’s encounters with the “other side”.
Yes - I have my own “John Edward”, if you would like to call her that.
One of our living ghost stories is Bremen.

Bremen was a white Mercedes Benz from the late 1970’s, and Bremen came with a story. You could even say that Bremen’s previous owner lived through her. This is the creepiest, car I have ever had the misfortune of being a passenger in.
To understand the story behind Bremen you have to know that her previous owner committed suicide by gassing himself while sitting in the back seat between 10pm and 2am on a Saturday night.
As you know we are a family who love watching movies and we loved going to the drive-in. The problem was if we decided to take Bremen along on a Saturday night, we would have to leave before the second show. If we stayed Bremen would not start– no matter what you tried. Bremen imitated a fossil between 10 and 2pm .This was one of the most creepy times to be around Bremen as you could see hand impressions digging into the back seat. I was only seven or eight at the time and I was pretty sure I was witnessing a true life horror story.
At 11pm Bremen would once again start with ease, and you could be on your merry way again.

Another problem with Bremen is that she didn’t like women very much. My mom and I took Bremen along when we went grocery shopping one Saturday morning. My mom had filled two trolleys to the brim, and Bremen refused to open her doors, or boot. We stood in the blazing heat for almost an hour trying to open the car. My mom tried the driver’s door, then the passenger door, then the boot, then she handed the keys over to me and I would try, It was like we were kids completing shampoo bottle instructions, *wash, lather, rinse, repeat, wash, lather, rinse, repeat*. No matter what we tried we just couldn’t get those doors to open.
My mom was furious by then, and she shouted at Bremen “Damn it if you don’t open your doors now – I’m going to make razor blades out of you!”
The doors opened almost immediately but then Bremen decided it would be fun to push an already angry woman further. Bremen decided not to start. It was nothing like the night time stints; Bremen was eh-heh-eh-heh-eh-hehing. My mom shouted at the car again and low and behold the car started.
Off we went to fetch my step father at work, with Bremen coughing and spluttering all the way. My mom told my step father in no uncertain terms - that she would not be driving home due to our mornings adventures with Bremen.
“Ahh my poor baby, is daddy’s girl sick?” My step dad said to Bremen.
He put the key in the ignition and started her up. Bremen was once again fine, no coughing, no spluttering, no refusal to unlock doors.
He stood outside the car allowing Bremen idol for a couple of minutes.
“See” He said, “There’s nothing wrong with her. What’s daddy’s girls’ name?”
Bremen answered without hesitation – “B-r-e-e-e-e-m-e-e-e-n”