I’ve been off my game this week, feeling down in the dumps with a nasty exotic bug, but hey! … School’s out tomorrow and I thought it was time I kicked my butt out of my slump with some laughter!
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?
'The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking.!!’
Me thinks this has a moral: Don’t piss the wife off! Or else…
The hubby in question may be wanting to buy this product…
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.
· The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
· The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
· The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
· And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN...Couldn't walk for a year.
Late for work?
This one is for my friends – you know who you are…
Have a super weekend everyone!