Doggy Style…

Beware of the Dog


Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


            


Dog Farts

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"


 


The Eukanuba Diet

I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at my vet and
standing in a queue at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog.
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care
unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do
is load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that by now, practically everyone in the queue was
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition
because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow... why else would I buy dog food?


 

The Work Week

Thought I’d keep them coming… Thanx Poppet for your Friday grin… I miss you!

Monday: Mad as Hell




Tuesday: Slowly coming out of it




Wednesday: but not quite there, so watch it!




Thursday: The end of the work week is in sight




Friday: TGIF




Saturday: Love my Saturday!




Sunday: Oh-oh!

Here we go again!

Laughter

So… if laughter is contagious…

and it’s also the best medicine…







I hope this gets you going…





and if you cant laugh…



Smile…

Ghost Stories

I decided to type some of my “true life” ghost stories…

Since a little girl I would always hear about my mom’s encounters with the “other side”.
Yes - I have my own “John Edward”, if you would like to call her that.
One of our living ghost stories is Bremen.

Bremen was a white Mercedes Benz from the late 1970’s, and Bremen came with a story. You could even say that Bremen’s previous owner lived through her. This is the creepiest, car I have ever had the misfortune of being a passenger in.
To understand the story behind Bremen you have to know that her previous owner committed suicide by gassing himself while sitting in the back seat between 10pm and 2am on a Saturday night.
As you know we are a family who love watching movies and we loved going to the drive-in. The problem was if we decided to take Bremen along on a Saturday night, we would have to leave before the second show. If we stayed Bremen would not start– no matter what you tried. Bremen imitated a fossil between 10 and 2pm .This was one of the most creepy times to be around Bremen as you could see hand impressions digging into the back seat. I was only seven or eight at the time and I was pretty sure I was witnessing a true life horror story.
At 11pm Bremen would once again start with ease, and you could be on your merry way again.

Another problem with Bremen is that she didn’t like women very much. My mom and I took Bremen along when we went grocery shopping one Saturday morning. My mom had filled two trolleys to the brim, and Bremen refused to open her doors, or boot. We stood in the blazing heat for almost an hour trying to open the car. My mom tried the driver’s door, then the passenger door, then the boot, then she handed the keys over to me and I would try, It was like we were kids completing shampoo bottle instructions, *wash, lather, rinse, repeat, wash, lather, rinse, repeat*. No matter what we tried we just couldn’t get those doors to open.
My mom was furious by then, and she shouted at Bremen “Damn it if you don’t open your doors now – I’m going to make razor blades out of you!”
The doors opened almost immediately but then Bremen decided it would be fun to push an already angry woman further. Bremen decided not to start. It was nothing like the night time stints; Bremen was eh-heh-eh-heh-eh-hehing. My mom shouted at the car again and low and behold the car started.
Off we went to fetch my step father at work, with Bremen coughing and spluttering all the way. My mom told my step father in no uncertain terms - that she would not be driving home due to our mornings adventures with Bremen.
“Ahh my poor baby, is daddy’s girl sick?” My step dad said to Bremen.
He put the key in the ignition and started her up. Bremen was once again fine, no coughing, no spluttering, no refusal to unlock doors.
He stood outside the car allowing Bremen idol for a couple of minutes.
“See” He said, “There’s nothing wrong with her. What’s daddy’s girls’ name?”
Bremen answered without hesitation – “B-r-e-e-e-e-m-e-e-e-n”

I'm No Grinch.

I’m no Grinch…

I was thinking about how many people there are in the world that is so called Grinch’s.

I love Valentine’s Day, Guyfaux (with the sparkles and romance – not the loud bangs and injuries), Christmas, April Fool’s Day and even St Paddy’s Day. I love to give, even if it is an invisible gift or something handmade. I like people to feel special.

I love waking up on Valentine’s Day with the perfect contented feeling that I can share love and feel it too. Yes I agree, you should tell people far more often than you actually do, and definitely not just on one day of the year. Valentine’s Day should be a celebration of all those times that you did just that. It should be about the time that you helped a friend in need and at the end of it all said “I love you too” or just said “I love you” at the end of a phone call. It could be a day for someone who usually finds it difficult to say the words – to step up and feel the freedom of telling someone how much they are valued.

Valentine’s Day to me is like New Year. It gives me a new lease on life, I feel hopeful and get a dose of wind pollinated Red Bull. I mean really open your eyes on Monday. Take a look at the kiddies all dressed in red and white, spreading innocence and love. Yes Grinch, take a look at that old married couple who pulled their red T-shirts out of their cupboards for the day and are staring lovingly into one another’s eyes. It’s down-right inspirational.

This brings me to today, thinking of the Grinch, and how he’s stealing Valentine’s Day.

There is so much stress, hate, drama, war, anger and disappointment running rampant like raging bulls around the world today. Think about having one day to take a break from the harshness of the world and concentrate on Love, romance, happiness, laughter and peace.

So call me bunny hugger, call me sentimental, but I’d rather have one day that virally spreads love than a day that’s filled with hate, sadness and war. I’ll delight in preparing a thoughtful gift and seeing bright happy faces of those I love and I’ll be lovingly accepting the handmade cards and the flowers picked from my garden.

Just remember that by being a Grinch you may just be hurting someone’s feelings, and by doing so are changing their outlook on what was a special day.
So Grinch’s - why not try sharing the love rather than spreading negativity?