Paddy

I’m not ready for the hectic week ahead… so here’s silly old Paddy for you this Monday morning. I hope that you all have a super week…
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. (think I’ll use this as my title to the next missing doggy pic…)  
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".  
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.  
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"  
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"  
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".  
An answer I can understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."